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| 10:13pm 02/05/2010 |
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Wow. The past two days (yesterday and today) people have really been trying my patience! And there's only so much more of this shit that I can take! I'm so sick of hearing people complain and complain and complain. It seems like that is all that people do anymore. They complain about this or that and blah blah blah. If you want to complain, good for you, but why must you chose me every time you want to complain? Do I have a sign on my forehead or back saying "Complain to me?". Last time I checked I DID NOT!! So do not come to me and complain about stupid shit because I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!! I have problems of my own to worry about and stress over. So I don't want to hear about it!! This may sound bitchy, but oh well. I have my own life and my own things to worry about and that's what I need to focus on, not everyone else's problems!!
Oh, and apparently I'm bitter!! hahahaha! NO! Just because Candace and Johnny have treated me like shit and done me wrong one too many times does not mean that I am bitter!! I don't care about them or their soon to be family! I don't care that she will be having the baby today or tomorrow! Good for her! And I refuse to go to the hospital to see her and the baby unless she calls me or texts me herself and asks me to come! Why? Because Johnny doesn't want me in her life! And apparently neither does she! She hasn't texted me or call me in God knows how long! The last time I spoke to her was at Shawna's visitation and that's only because I initiated the conversation! And the whole time we were talking (the whole five minute conversation) she was looking around for him the entire time!! I guess she thought she was going to get in trouble or something! And that was the last time I seen her or talked to her, that I can think of! And that was fucking two months ago!! |
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| 06:54pm 19/01/2010 |
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I always thought that once you hit the age of 18 that you became an adult. And along with that, you act like one, but apparently I am very wrong. The past day and half has shown me how immature adults can be. These adults being ones who think that they deserve your respect even though they have done nothing to earn it! They believe that because of things they have done and where they have been that they should get all of my respect. The only respect I have for this person is that they are a veteran. That's it. That is the only aspect of their life in which I respect them. I DON'T respect them in any other way. Why? Because I do not give my respect to those who run over others. This person thinks that just because they are an adult that I should give them my respect. They are wrong! |
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| Holding Grudges |
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| 05:28pm 13/01/2010 |
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Some people don't hold grudges, other people do. You could probably say that I am the queen of holding grudges. My parents like to remind quite often of grudges that I hold. They think that I should just let them go and that I should talk to the people who I am upset with. I disagree. Why should I be the one to let everything go, when I'm not the one that started it? To be the bigger person? What if I don't feel like being the bigger person? The others are the ones who messed everything up. I'm the one who got hurt by their decisions! I have been hurt so much in the past and I am so sick of being hurt. I am tired of having to apologize for things that aren't my fault, for things that I didn't do! My parents tell me that I should make up with these people and become friends with them again. So, really they are just telling me to turn the other cheek. But why? So I can get hurt again? I don't think so! I'm definitely not setting myself up to get hurt again. That would just be plain stupid. I don't think I should have to apologize for anything when I didn't do anything wrong! |
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| One Shot |
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| 10:36am 13/01/2010 |
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Trust is defined as many different things. To me, trust is being able to confide in others and know that they won't spread the things you tell them. Trust is being able to rely on someone and having someone that is loyal to you. Trust is being able to have people be close to you who won't betray you, who won't stab you in the back. I think I have friends that possess this quality, well, at least I hope they do. But the thing is, these days, you never know for sure. I mean, I would hope that when someone tells me that I can trust them, then I really hope they mean it. I hate it when you tell a person something and then you find out that they went and told your business to other people. Don't get me wrong, I know that I have done it before, but I have reached a point in my life where it all seems so stupid. I mean what is the point in telling someone's business to everyone? Really, there is no point, it's all just to gossip. If someone wanted everyone else to know their business then I'm sure they would tell everybody themselves. So here is some advice: If someone tells you something and they ask you to keep it to yourself, then keep it to yourself like you said you would! I hate finding out that I really can't trust people. And these days, if I feel like I can trust you, then that means something. Why? Because I do not trust easily! You have to earn my trust. And it is usually not easy to do so. You must show me that you aren't some backstabber, who just wants me to tell them stuff so that they can go run their mouths to others. Trust is a very big issue for me. I do not hand it out easily. Once you loose my trust, it is very hard to gain it back. I do not forgive easily. So, once you have wronged me, then we are pretty much done. However, if you can take the time to prove to me that I can trust you, completely this time, then we might have a chance at being friends again. But proving that to me can be difficult. I am not one to turn to the other cheek. Once you have messed up, that's it. I don't give you the other cheek so you can do me wrong again. I don't work like that. You have one shot, one opportunity, that's it. So, be careful how you treat me and the way you act with me. I don't do the whole let's be friends even though I talk about you behind your back thing. That's high school drama and I don't do drama anymore. I have no time for it and I will not put up with it. First impressions are crucial with me. If you seem like a nice person then chances are I will talk to you and hopefully get to know you, if you're lucky. If you seem like a not so nice person, then I will probably just do the occasional "Hi, How are you?" thing. Although, sometimes I don't always work like that. Sometimes when I first meet people, I might talk to them, depends on my mood. So, hopefully you will catch me on a good day. Don't expect me to trust you right off the bat. It takes a while for me to be able to trust someone enough to tell them things, with very few exceptions. Just remember, if you want my trust, you have to earn it, I don't just give it away. And once you have it, don't mess that up, because once you do, you may never get it back!! |
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| Distance |
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| 07:00pm 12/01/2010 |
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Everything seems so far away right now. I don't feel like I am living my life. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. It's like, I'm alive, but I'm viewing the world from a distance. I feel like I'm not experiencing things, it's like I'm just doing the usual day to day thing, not really experiencing it, just going through the motions. I see what is going on around me and I go through it, but I feel as though I'm not experiencing it myself. I feel like I'm drifting away from the people around me. I don't feel so connected to them anymore. I don't really talk to anybody anymore. I mean, I still talk to people and I still "socialize" (if that's what you want to call it), but to be honest, I don't feel like talking to people. I would just rather sit in my dorm room and be alone rather than to get out and go hang out with people. Right now, at this point in my life, I would rather be alone and spend time with myself than to get out and be around people. I've just hit this point in my life where I don't care if I talk to anybody and I don't care if they talk to me. It probably wouldn't bother me if I didn't talk to anyone all day. I feel like I have nothing to offer the people around me and I feel as though they have nothing to offer me! So, why be around them? To pretend like I'm social? Yea, right! Whatever. I don't care about being social right now! I don't care about getting out and meeting new people and experiencing new things. It all seems so pointless. I just feel like I need to be alone for a while. I feel like I need to take a break from all those around me. I feel like I need to stop focusing on all the people around me and focus on me. I know that seems selfish, but I'm just tired of hearing about everyone else's problems and their lives and I am sick of hearing other people complain when I have my own things to worry about! I just need some me time! I just need to be alone for a while. |
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| Life, life, life |
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| 01:47pm 12/01/2010 |
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mood: blah music: Music from OTH
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Wow! Where do I even begin? Everything in life seems so weird right now. I don't really know how to describe it. I'm living life, but I feel like I'm not really experiencing it. I feel as though I am just going through the motions of life. It's like I'm here and I'm going through my days, but viewing from a distance. I don't feel as though I'm living my life the way that I wanted. It's like I'm living it for everyone else. I am currently working on my second semester of college. And I'm wondering if this is really what I want for my life. Am I pursuing my dream or the dream of someone else? Am I going after what I want in life or am I going after what other people want for me? I'm not sure I even know what I want from life. And I don't know how to figure it out! I don't know what I want from the people around me. I don't even know what I want for myself anymore. And I don't know how to figure that out either. I feel like I don' know anything anymore! And it's killing me! I always thought that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I had it all figured out, but it seems I was wrong! I can't decide if this is really what I want to do with my life. Everyone always told me that I should go to college and make something of myself. But who says that you have to go to college in order to be successful? Who the hell determined that if you don't go to college that you can't be successful? What proof do they have? What if I don't want to be in college anymore? How do you decide something like that? How do you tell the people who "believe in you" that you don't want to continue with college, that it's just not for you? I haven't completely decided yet if I want to come back next year. I do know that I am going to finish out this semester and that will complete my freshman year, but I just don't know if I want to come back in the fall. I've heard people say that college isn't for everybody. Maybe, just maybe, college isn't for me. Maybe I need to take some time off from school and reevaluate my life. I will have all summer to think about it, but what if that's not enough time? What if I need more time to figure it all out? I can always come back to college and pick up where I left off, right? When people ask me about my major, I tell them, but every time I talk about it, I begin to wonder if that's really what I want to do. I don't want to go through all of this and come out in the end with a degree that I'm not going to use, it would be a waste of my time. I just need to finish out this semester and spend my summer reevaluating my life and figure out what I want to do with it!! |
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| Stressed |
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| 06:27pm 22/05/2008 |
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so life is so crazy right now. been listening to music alot lately to stay calm. trying to stay positive. very hard with the way things are going. wish everything could just go back to normal. loosing friends. gaining few. loosing trust in some friends and family. hard to keep my faith in life. schools a drag. home life is almost unbearable. quit church. hating being judged by hypocrites. but here is what i keep telling myself: in the end everything happens for a reason. everything we go through can only make us stronger in life. and builds on your character. the way you handle things reflects on you as a person. remember to handle yourself with dignity and class. dont take peoples judgements and remarks to heart. live the way you want. dont live for everybody else. live for you and make the most of it. let that one special person know how you feel. you will never until you try. and most of all.....stay true to yourself! |
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